I like to think I’m self assured. Not overly confident or arrogant, but just enough faith in myself to know who I am in this world and what I can give it. However a few recent events has shaken that, and I am left feeling hollow on the inside. The first was being (for want of a better word) snubbed by a well established illustrator. I have liked this person’s work for a while now and follow them on a social media platform, mainly I’m quite passive, just liking images from time to time. However, I saw an image and quite liked the technique used in it, and in my curiousity commented asking something along the lines of ‘I love this. I’m curious as to how you’ve done the shading between the top of her head and the bun, don’t worry if it’s a trade secret!’.
I was promptly blocked (at least I think so as this is the first time this has happened) and my email gently requesting a reason was ignored. I know it seems quite trivial in some resepects, but not knowing was eating away at me slowly and it wasn’t long before it became self-destructive. Did I make a digital faux pas? Was it just a simple mistake? I started to overthink, did they think I was plagiarizing? I started to analyse our works and self doubt began to creep in, little similarities suddenly became concrete evidence of my wrong doing. What if they felt I did?
I don’t think I would have minded if they had just said the reason, even if it was something I didn’t want to hear. I’d be upset of course, but at least I would have closure. The other events that have shaken my self belief also have left me not knowing where I stand, which is when I overthink things. I want answers, but I don’t want to be so persistant it becomes annoying or uncouth.
These are some sketches I did in the midst of everything. Upon reflection, they’re hurried and unfocused. None of them are smiling. I know I need to get out of this thought process but I’m not sure how, I’m throwing a lot of questions but I’m getting no answers, and that’s the part that’s killing me.