Sometimes when I have ‘artist’s’ block or just want to draw something for the sake of drawing I often find myself just having 5 minutes of madness and creating weird little monochrome sketches. Usually they are puns, because I loves me some puns. So that’s it artwise so far, I’ve got quite a few big projects coming up so keep checking back, I apprectiate the continued loyalty; especially with my sparse postings. (Anyone who loves routine I appologise profoundly.)
Anyway, today I would like to talk about something that’s not so ‘black and white’, (see what I did there with my tenious links, eh, eh?) and that’s loneliness. Rather, a specific kind of loneliness, not of family or of friends, I am most happy and fufilled with that department, but of that ‘special person’, your ‘other half’ the one that ‘completes you’ (did I just hear someone vomit in the background?). Those of you that have read some of my older posts will know that I dislike posting about personal woes on the internet and I have debated internally about this for sometime now. I guess what finally swayed me is that I remember when I was 15, with a romantic view on life, never kissed a boy and definitely worried (as pre teen girls with no actual worries seem to only care about) if I was attractive enough/funny enough/voluptuous enough/whether I was a freak etc. It is also didn’t help that I had a major image issue about being an asian girl in a mainly caucasian society. In fact, I never realised it till looking back, that this was a very serious problem. I was in a dark place then. But’s that’s a whole different conversation, one including social and cultural elements as well as self-image and am no where near ready to discuss it publically as of yet. Anyway, I digress. 15 and worried I stumbled across an article, which was an interview with a beautiful white woman. I forget most of it but the line I remember vividly was:
‘I didn’t have a relationship till I was 18’.
As sad as it may be to admit this but I felt so comforted by that line. If this beautiful white lady didn’t have anything till 18 (which seem a very long way to go at 15) I still had a good 3 years to find someone. Someone as awkward, asian, flat chested and braced faced as me still had hope. So I hope that when I post this, someone out there may feel somewhat comforted as I did back then. The truth is, I’m 20 and never had a relationship. And I’m lonely because of it.
Now, some of you might not think this was anything shocking, others might whip back in mock horror and say ‘no, really?‘ as I have heard some people say. You might even disregard this whole post, and believe that if you have family and friends you have all the love you need, that what I’m feeling isn’t true loneliness. Hell, even the strong independent woman in me is going ‘gurl, you don’t need no man or woman to make yo self happy.’ Complete with sassy girl finger wag. And I agree, for most part. I am good with life, with friends, with family, with work but I’ve always been and always will be an old romantic. There’s a good reason there’s millions or poems, songs, films, articles and stories all dedicated to that kind of love. And I want a piece of that pie. I don’t need someone, after all, I like to think I turned out pretty well without someone, but I can’t help but occasionally feel that heavy pang right in your chest. I want to give someone that kind of love as much as I want to feel it.
Well, I’m sure I’ve rambled on long enough, time to get back to what matters most; art. Oh, and for those unfortunate people that know me face to face, honestly, do not worry about me, I have so much other things going on that I think that adding another person in the mix will just be too much at the moment.
There’s also a damn good reason why Ben & Jerry’s exists too.